It may just be because I'm sick, but I'm in a shitty mood. My s.o certainly isn't helping matters. I'm so frustrated with him right now. This blog isn't so much for others as it is for me to get all my thoughts in concrete form. I love being with him, it's such a different dynamic from any other relationship I've had that it makes me appreciate it all the more. We went from long term friends to friends with benefits to a relationship. I love that about us. I also love how we're so similar, because it means we have very few issues between us. He's also the first nice, normal guy that I've dated. We're both interested in the same things at this point in our life and I like that. But sometimes the little things he reveals bug me.
The main thing...I feel like I value him and our relationship more than he does. I know he cares, it's obvious in all the little gestures and phrases. However, when it comes to one stupid, enormously stupid issue we butt heads. Facebook.
Now to be clear, I think facebook is vastly overrated and I mainly use it to post stupid things on my friends wall and facebook chat. I could care less about making our relationship official on there because everyone we care about already knows. He refers to me as his girlfriend, like he did last night when I talked to him and his friend, and I do the same. However, when we began dating we just changed our statuses to becoming invisible. Which is fine, until the topic came up and he revealed he just didn't want anyone in his business. I could tell he was hiding something, and after further pushing, I found out part of the reason is because he didn't want his ex finding out and having to deal with drama. That is not okay to me. It pushes me into the position of having to feel like I'm being hidden from someone who supposedly doesn't even matter. If you care about dealing with them that much, how can you say they don't matter? This is not okay. I told my ex about it, even though I was worried he'd be upset because of the circumstances, and it turned out fine. However, his reaction wouldn't have changed a thing. I would've been fine if he had been pissed. Because I would've known the drama was worth dealing with the relationship we have. It especially frustrates me because he had no qualms making their relationship official on there. It doesn't make our relationship any more meaningful or important, it's just nice to know that he'd be willing to do it in spite of her because he's proud to have me by his side. Now, I don't have that feeling.
And a few days ago, he made the comment that he was debating about deleting his facebook. He's never made that comment before, and it hurt to know that he'd most likely rather delete his facebook than face the issue. Maybe it's just because I'm sick and in a shitty mood, but it's really been getting to me.
I just don't appreciate having worked so hard to boost my self-confidence and become a better, more healthy person to have to deal with this. I've worked hard at losing weight to become more comfortable with my self image, hell I've lost 30 pounds, and I'm trying to lose another 20 more. Not only that but I've tried so hard to become more confident and less passive and indecisive. I have to thank my roommate for that because without her I'd probably be in the exact same place I was a year ago. I owe so much to her. However, thinking and thinking about all of this just makes me feel like I'm not good enough, which isn't true.
It's just all so frustrating because I care for him a lot, and I trust him enough to have a long distance relationship, but when he does stuff like this it just hurts. It doesn't help after dealing with having to listen to him and his friend talk about all the hot girls on the UT campus and listen to their reactions as they look through their photos. Any man would know that even if a girl acts okay with it, it hurts her own confidence. Which really sucks after I've worked so hard to fix that.
I just don't know how to get him to understand that. I don't want to send him this because his reaction would be to blow it off or just completely negative. But, in the end, the only thing I have left to say is that it sucks.