Friday, December 2, 2011

Then and Now

It's almost impossible to state how different things are now. What seems to be lifetimes ago is barely a year. Uncertainties have come and gone, only to be replaced by others. These are full of hope rather than doubt. Yet, the idea of change is terrifying.

I used to think that I would miss certain aspects of my old life. The only thing I miss is my old apartment patio. The memories that I made there are good enough for me. Everything feels so right for once in my life. It's a rare feeling, but one that I'm not unwilling to embrace. I know things can change at any moment and everything can turn upside down. For right now however, I'm going to cherish it with the mindset that all is right and everything is how it should be.

Monday, November 7, 2011


The feeling that set me up so frequently for creativity has escaped. Once more it is out of my grasp and I remain unsure as to when it will return. Without it, my mind turns to black when my fingers reach the keys and I can't help but focus on the mourning for what's been lost. Attempts at writing come up half hearted and results lackluster.

Appreciation for what's been given is masked by the greed for more.

Still, despite the mental wall that I yearn to break through, it is through writing this that I try to gain that thanks.

Everything is still as it should be and I am thankful for those that I have and the chances I get.

Monday, October 31, 2011

The Edge

Never will the understanding
Of all life's mysteries,
Rest within my chilled hands.
Body shaking,
Skin tingling.
The blood coarsing within my veins
Sings a song to an inaudible tune -
Humming echoes inside.
This is a feeling I will always remember.


Time seems so short when everything is right.
The world whirls by in a daze,
Spinning so fast clarity is an illusion.

Embracing this is redemption.
Knowledge gained and lost and gained once more,
I will hold onto life with my frail fingers -
To forget is to fall.

Fighting to make our own destiny,
The hope we hold within our hearts
Reminds us that happiness lies within.

New beginnings are what we make of it. The depression and anger follows from expectations that are too high to be lived up to. Life isn't perfect. I trip, I stumble, I fall. The ones that are there to pick you up make the imperfections fade. And even when you're left to pick yourself up, the strength you show within yourself should be enough to carry on.

After all, what's the point of living if all you accept is disappointment? Dwelling on this only makes it so much worse. I needed to remind myself of this.

Been So Long

It's funny how things like this fall away when things in your life start to turn up. I can't ever seem to continue to keep up with this thing when everything in my life is going right. It becomes a crutch in times of need...but it's something I enjoy so much it's sad it turns into that.

That being said, thanks to the wonderful Koogimama (Visit here!) I'm writing on here again. And things are wonderful.

Writing shouldn't just display the destruction, dismay and depression that follows me around like a cloud of smoke. Happiness is worth so much more, and presenting it makes it that much more real.

We always remember the negative much more vividly than the good. When things go downhill all that we held precious moments ago is discarded. That's not the life worth living.

Embrace what you have. Enjoy the life you live. Focus on preserving the happy in anyway you can, because once it's gone, those are the moments worth treasuring. After all is said and done, I want to say that I have lived the life I got with joy in my heart and the knowledge that I didn't just waste the time I was given.

It's funny how all it takes is a night in on the couch with someone worthwhile to remember that.

Saturday, April 23, 2011


It may just be because I'm sick, but I'm in a shitty mood. My s.o certainly isn't helping matters. I'm so frustrated with him right now. This blog isn't so much for others as it is for me to get all my thoughts in concrete form. I love being with him, it's such a different dynamic from any other relationship I've had that it makes me appreciate it all the more. We went from long term friends to friends with benefits to a relationship. I love that about us. I also love how we're so similar, because it means we have very few issues between us. He's also the first nice, normal guy that I've dated. We're both interested in the same things at this point in our life and I like that. But sometimes the little things he reveals bug me.

The main thing...I feel like I value him and our relationship more than he does. I know he cares, it's obvious in all the little gestures and phrases. However, when it comes to one stupid, enormously stupid issue we butt heads. Facebook.

Now to be clear, I think facebook is vastly overrated and I mainly use it to post stupid things on my friends wall and facebook chat. I could care less about making our relationship official on there because everyone we care about already knows. He refers to me as his girlfriend, like he did last night when I talked to him and his friend, and I do the same. However, when we began dating we just changed our statuses to becoming invisible. Which is fine, until the topic came up and he revealed he just didn't want anyone in his business. I could tell he was hiding something, and after further pushing, I found out part of the reason is because he didn't want his ex finding out and having to deal with drama. That is not okay to me. It pushes me into the position of having to feel like I'm being hidden from someone who supposedly doesn't even matter. If you care about dealing with them that much, how can you say they don't matter? This is not okay. I told my ex about it, even though I was worried he'd be upset because of the circumstances, and it turned out fine. However, his reaction wouldn't have changed a thing. I would've been fine if he had been pissed. Because I would've known the drama was worth dealing with the relationship we have. It especially frustrates me because he had no qualms making their relationship official on there. It doesn't make our relationship any more meaningful or important, it's just nice to know that he'd be willing to do it in spite of her because he's proud to have me by his side. Now, I don't have that feeling.

And a few days ago, he made the comment that he was debating about deleting his facebook. He's never made that comment before, and it hurt to know that he'd most likely rather delete his facebook than face the issue. Maybe it's just because I'm sick and in a shitty mood, but it's really been getting to me.

I just don't appreciate having worked so hard to boost my self-confidence and become a better, more healthy person to have to deal with this. I've worked hard at losing weight to become more comfortable with my self image, hell I've lost 30 pounds, and I'm trying to lose another 20 more. Not only that but I've tried so hard to become more confident and less passive and indecisive. I have to thank my roommate for that because without her I'd probably be in the exact same place I was a year ago. I owe so much to her. However, thinking and thinking about all of this just makes me feel like I'm not good enough, which isn't true.

It's just all so frustrating because I care for him a lot, and I trust him enough to have a long distance relationship, but when he does stuff like this it just hurts. It doesn't help after dealing with having to listen to him and his friend talk about all the hot girls on the UT campus and listen to their reactions as they look through their photos. Any man would know that even if a girl acts okay with it, it hurts her own confidence. Which really sucks after I've worked so hard to fix that.

I just don't know how to get him to understand that. I don't want to send him this because his reaction would be to blow it off or just completely negative. But, in the end, the only thing I have left to say is that it sucks.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

New Year

It's been so long since I've posted. I have a ton of works to post in here, but I'm not really in the mood. This is going to be more casual. The new year is already 40 times better than last. I am so happy. I'm losing weight, I really like a guy who really likes me (even though we aren't dating which is surprisingly okay with me) and I have some of the best friends in the world. Life is good.
Life is happy.
Life is exactly how it's meant to be.