So you say...

I only come around in need. That after the split, I changed. My presence flickers into the scene and vanishes not to be seen again for months. Perhaps this is true. No, it is true. I wish to seek my own, to become my own. To embrace that which I am and is entitled to no other. How can that be if your ghostly hand constantly weighs down upon my shoulders? Weary, so weary of the arguements and lectures. Have faith in me. It is I who am to experience all that was lost on those before me. Some is that which is discouraged, would make you disappointed in me if you were to ever know. This is why secrecy exists. It must be done, for how else am I to discover the path? I am safe, I am secure, and I know what I must do. Have faith in me. If that is done, you will not be let down. Without the freedom to explore the recesses of my society, the depths of capabilities will never be discovered. Faith.

On another note:

Untitled III

There is a girl unlike any other.
Her mind feels twisted, warped-
Full of delusions and self-depreciating thoughts.
Yet within this ceaseless world
There lie two who understand.
Two that can feel as if she does,
That can explain the thoughts
That remain foreign to her own mind.
In their midst, all becomes serene.
A calm heart to echo a calm mind.
All thanks to two souls,
That resonate perfectly alongside her own.

A Tidal Wave

Compassionate thoughts intensify and echo
Within the minds of those least suspect.
The taunting voice revolves around the mind
And sets the souls of those afflicted on fire.
Why don't they see that which truly resides
Inside the tortured ones who cut and slash
At the confidence and lives of those around them?

I'm reaching out!

This scream of rage is nothing more than a cry of despair-

"Hear my sorrows!
Ease my pain!
Tend my wounds!"

How can it be that these calls for help
Are useless until the sound of silence resounds
Within the damaged heart that beats no more?

A New Direction

And so begins a new direction in life. Out with the old and in with the new, as they say. And the new is startlingly, mind-numbingly new in the most amazing way possible. I feel as though all the toxins have been cleansed from my system. It was almost imperceptible too, which is what makes it even better. I hadn't even realized how slowly they were penetrating my bloodstream, corrupting my thoughts as I went unaware. Everything feels so much clearer.

The ex moved out only five days ago to be replaced by one of my closest friends. It feels already life the most minute things in life have already been altered. Everything has become more fast-paced, brighter, and overall happier. I got my grades back today and was pleasantly surprised with those. Three A's, a B and a C. Even though I still have worries in my life (most specifically financial)I feel as if my focus is no longer trained on all the negative. The environment overall is so much more positive. With my previous roommate, all I would receive is complaints and constant requests for reassurance that engulfed me until my thoughts were a mass of black. With my new change however, I feel a quiet confidence that surges alongside my own and that black has faded away. Troubles are eased alongside one another in talks filled with laughter despite the serious nature. This is the most refreshing of all. The air is so much clearer.

I'm a new soul,
Residing in the same provincial body.
The days of yore,
Of insecurity and uncertainty
And hesitation and unease,
Vanish in the wake of all
That is possible in the future.

Contemplations...

Life in one succinct moment becomes that which is it's polar opposite. So much of our life focuses on death. Everything we do in life is done with the urgency that one day we may no longer have the opportunity. Even this now, is done to preserve some memory of myself after my death, even unconciously so. They say those that don't fear death ultimately fear the inevitability of being lost in the recesses of history. To be forgotten. It frightens me. The knowledge that one day the only ones left to preserve our lives and memories- the ones we love - they too will be dead and gone and then we will cease to exist truly. Everything erodes, such is the way of life. It is ironic in the most extreme way possible.

This is no way pessimistic. I was just mesmerized with my studies into the literature I had to focus on in my courses this semester. They were all so focused on various motives, political...social...religious...but almost all ended in or centered on death. In contemplating my own scenarios for death, I would want it to feel as if I were trapped within the Infinite Moment. Perhaps captured as if fictional. Like the lover of Porphyria, where it seems almost reverent, something fantastical and all too tender. That is due, in retrospect, to the idea of such a thing happening to me as purely fictional and entirely improbable. I believe in the Infinite Moment. However, as humans we so rarely recognize it for what it is. The chance to rise out of mediocrity and transcend into something monumental, even if it is within our own circumstances. Within the lives we lead we may only be presented a few chances of any substantiation that allow us to rise out of the true mediocrity we dwell within and embrace that glorified moment to the extent that the lover of Porphryia does. That is not making the implication to truly live within the Infinite the act must contain death, but instead something that changes everything to come. The most disguised Moment could lead to the monumental. I merely intend to highlight the fact that these times are rare, and while minor choices can lead to greater things, to truly recognize and embrace the Infinite Moment is something rarely accomplished.

How many times in our lives have we held back to due inhibitions or hesitations? How many opportunities have we lost merely due to our own insecurities upon the issue? Numerous. Innumerable.

"That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain."
--Robert Browning, Porphyria's Lover

Rather Odd

Here I am, present and aware with my surroundings lit up around me like the lights in an aquarium. I feel as though I'm on display, complete with fake trees and a little fake man to keep me company. What would it take to make it all real? The sacrifice can't be too great, not for this. Arms spread wide and facing the heavens I ask only for truth. For reality. The eyes of those around pierce, but they don't truly see. How can they when what's meant to be seen is still only a crumbling mess of already convoluted thoughts? Turn upside down, let the blood flow freely. A rush to the head, a rush to the dirt, drip by scarlet drip. A sacrifice, for you, for them, for what could be and already is. For clarity.

The Three...

To my two favorite people in the whole world who will probably never read this. You two know me better than any, and for that I am truly grateful. I hope ten years turns into eternity.

Intensity shifts-
From a whirling mass of convoluted secrets
To the whispers of how we're united
As one.

The world less daunting.
The mysteries of things we always wished to know
But never will,
Trivial.

The two of you,
Kindred spirits meet mine in what seems like
Perfect harmony and at last-
Tranquility.

Three different roads
Converged into a path filled with nothing but stones.
With light steps stumbling becomes
Impossible.

_____________________________________________

I feel like this needs more but I'll come back and edit it later hopefully.

Love.

Four Months Break and a Whole New Perspective

Four months since that last update...and life has turned around 180 degrees. Life is in such an upswing and all it takes is a little distance. Memories still swing back and forth within my mind but they're no longer at the forefront. More like that little glimpse of an object you get from your peripheral vision before it's lost again.

This is the first blog I haven't completely forgotten about. I just need to remember to post when I'm not upset. Like now.

I've been working on school, and a novel, so my time has been well spent. I'm posting an excerpt now, and perhaps a little poetry later if my mind feels up to it. It probably will since it's like a pinwheel caught in a tornado.

I’ve always known the world held many mysteries, but in this moment I knew without a doubt there were none greater than her. This wasn’t a mystery meant for my decrepit bones, but I still ached for it so much it echoed through my heart and into my brain.
Oh to be worthy!
To be the one to see the truth revealed behind those startling almond eyes. Those eyes had stoked the fire in his heart that he had long ago turned to ash. Bright and happy and oh-so-pure, they could only lead to destruction. They had, but it was worth it to have been the one to first solve the mystery not meant for him, to see those eyes change under his dutiful ministrations. The caged bird can indeed sing merrily, if only he has remembrance of freedom within his mind. It is with that hope in my heart that I end these memoirs – so that until the end of my days I may remember the only part of my life in which I can say I was truly happy.

So this is what I've got until the mood strikes me to be creative in verse.

Acceptance

I haven't posted these past few days, but I've written each one, so I haven't broken my promise to myself. It's been a hectic past few days, with things such as hectic work hours and my mother's birthday. I wrote this one a few nights back, and in place of me originally planning on posting my other poems. I -need- to post this one. A few days ago I had an epiphany. A calm acceptance of my circumstances that left me laughing at the fact I know could -let go- and had learned all that I could. It has been a turbulent few months, and now I can relish in the calm after the storm.






So here is my peace (and yes that spelling is intentional.)



-------------------------------------------------

There is a place,

Where nothing but silence reigns.

Here, where no else dare tread, she finds her peace.

Embracing the love she once had,

She lets go,

Gifting the unnatural silences with her memories.

Mistakes made by both,

Accepted by neither,

Change the surroundings from foreboding and angry,

Tear-stained and regretful,

To tranquil and comforting

At last.

For now she is at home in the place

Where nothing but silence reigns.

Memories of a Time Long Ago...

I was once a mother and a lover,

Now I only have my dreams.

Before I knew of your existence my body felt your loving spirit.

Tender images who I could be

Were torn away without even the joys of recognition.

I shed your blood, alongside my own.

Shocking pain to echo a shocked mind.

I was a mother before my time,

Now that dream will never be.

My gift has been torn away,

Along with the man whose eyes you would have

Possessed.

Left with only the words...

"Maybe love just isn't enough."

You would be one this month.

There was once a girl barely grown into her eighteen years. She thought she knew the world as all those her age do, the intricacies of life a simple puzzle to which she had long ago memorized the layout. So fresh faced and full of confidence she set out into the world of higher education, and met an older boy, still young and vibrant, full of spirit and life whose soul reached out to her own. Within three days she knew it as love.

They were soon called inseperable, and people told them they would be together until their skin was wrinkled and hair flecked with shades of gray. Within him she found solace and acceptance. Within her, he found a stability and home.

Three months later she found she was pregnant...in the form of a miscarriage. After, the flashing screens showed her images of what her child was and never would fulfill. It had a heart...alongside hers that she didn't realize was held in it's still forming hands. Devastation was all she knew as they embraced in a car and cried together. He was her pillar of strength. His arms were her home that night. They grieved, but grew stronger and closer together for it. They called it a blessing...

Until a year later when all she knew was pain when they made love. Months of crying and the support and insistence of her love wore her down, and she visited a doctor...

"The good news is we know whats wrong with you. The bad news is you may not be able to concieve a child."

Heartbreak...all she wanted to be was torn away from her in those few little words. The hope that still lay with the doctors' talk of chances and options was inconcievable in her mind.

Eight months after that, he left, their love once strong and pure a hollow shell of what it once was. He a changed man, because of her or his true colors showing she would never know. Four months later, memories are all that exist. And images of what could've been.

"And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again."
-Mumford and Sons - The Cave

Hands

Everything I hope,

Everything I hold,

Resides within these

Two imperfect hands.

Heartbreaks soothed,

Wounds healed.

Sides brushed until

Laughter is all that can be heard

Echoing for miles.

With these two imperfect hands...

Lies my salvation.

Inspired by Weak Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons

Weak little lion man

You proclaim yourself great

Your mighty yell echoing for all those who may hear.

Why must you parade so?

You will never be what

Resides within your mind.

An empty shell

of dreams to weak to achieve.

My own personal housecat.

Bones

If you had a chance to forget me, would you?

Don't you want to come with me, and feel my bones on your bones...

It's only natural?

highly sexualized-

one hundred percent commitment

zero return?

highly misguided sexuality

riddled with insecurity

self fulfilling prophecy.

Wanting everything...

setting myself up

for nothing

He doesn't look like a thing like Jesus.

my savior.

ashes to ashes

dust to dust

until death do us part.

NB: The format of this piece doesn't travel that great off paper. :(

Some Newer Pieces...

In these I think I'm going to post one per entry...just to make it easier.
By the way, for the people that somehow stumble upon this by accident, I don't intend my posts to be written in this format with such extensive use of the formidible word 'I.' This is just for the moment while I'm publishing everything old I've written.

Untitled I

         At once I feel as if I can see everything while seeing nothing at all. Blindness robs me of impurities, Cast into the waters of the baptismal font, I know I am saved. Beyond petty searches for the divine - beyond the reaches of finite science, into the essence of humanity! The bind that ties us all together...can never truly be seen until everything is stripped away. Pretenses both genuine and false only serve to tarnish that which makes us great.
         Smooth flesh, rounded breats, fleeting touches that echo in your brain like a bird taking flight...The raw smell of that which is unique to one but familiar to all...
         That is to be human, but not humanity.
         We are all human, but none of us reside within humanity. We are too imperfect...
That is the tie that binds us all.

Oldies Post Deux

More Oldies...These are slightly darker.

The City

The flashing eyes of the city

Blind us; throwing off kilter the

Perfect scene and

Reveling in the revelations

That we wished we never had

Of who we really were.

The thunderous laugh of the city-

Deafness ensues and

Swallows the lie that you never

Told but wouldn't have

Saved us anyway.

The pockmarked skin of the city

Repulses us;

We were drawn

Together by the grotesque.

This is the city personified.

The First of the Oldies

Things from four or more years ago...

Always

I dream of the cerulean sky,

Interrupted by child-like marshmallow clouds

And the feeling I'm not alone.

A light breeze caresses

Reassuring and comforting,

He appears by my side.

"Are you ever afraid?"

A murmur.

From whom is forever unknown.

A questioning stare-

An unreadable expression,

Exchanged.

"Always."

Valentine

There is restlessness in my being-

Tonight!

The cause of mind numbing

Insomnia

Sending signals to my brain.

Find a lover!

Take a mate!

He who is so perfectly flawed.

So Once Again the Journey Begins...

I don't know how many times I've tried to accomplish keeping up with a blog. The inevitability of reality creeping in and distracting me from worthwhile things always creeps in and I am lost to the abyss. This time however, I am going to try harder. I have a new quest/goal in mind.

You see I have a notebook that I keep all my writings in that I usually just notice when I feel like pretending I'm cool enough to pull of pretentiousness. Reclining on my patio, allowing myself to get all ashy kneed from where I have become too lazy to clean up the ashes of my cigarettes I listen to music and just write.

My goal is to continue to write in that journal at least once a day for the next month. Failure is probable, but an attempt to succeed will be launched.

All of that will be posted here. Tonight will see an enormous amount of posts however, as I'm going to try to import everything I've written that I like into here tonight, just so I have it.

So let the work begin!